Your Inner Voice

“I feel there are 2 people inside me - me and my intuition. If I go against her she’ll screw me every time, and if I follow her we get along quite nicely.”

Some call it a gut feeling. Others label it as an inner voice. It’s often described as a following of the heart. And many refer to it as a guiding light. It will save your life. It will raise you up. It will point you toward greatness. And it will never lead you astray. 

It’s your intuition - beliefs you can not always justify nor can you describe with reason. It starts off as a whisper, gentle and soft, working to get your attention with a nudge. A quiet wakeup call. If unacknowledged or pushed aside, it does not give up. It will scream, kick, push, and shove until you see! 

Up to that point, life will be a fight. It will be uncomfortable. It will knock you down. It will be dark. It will be confusing. 

For a year and a half (and as recently as last Wednesday) I heard the words, “RUN!” and “GET OUT!” over and over in my head. It occurred in a number of situations, around numerous challenges, with a range of people, and in many uncomfortable moments.

In many areas of my life I had let the whisper grow to an attention demanding yell. Ignoring a strong sense that something wasn’t fitting as nicely as it should, I lingered too long, resulting in man-made barriers, self-inflicted bumps, and many bruises to the heart. 

One of those times...

In October of 2010, I threw myself into work only to have what I saw as failure after failure as a leader. At the same time my long distance marriage began to feel like a chore, a heavy weight, more of an obligation getting in the way of my California experience and overall success at work then this beautiful partnership I had once known. 

I didn’t understand why my life felt so difficult until I finally stood still long enough to hear that inner voice shouting at me to “RUN,” to leave the thing that was consuming me and invest time and love into my mediocre marriage. 

On a beautiful Saturday morning the following February, after countless gentle nudges and a seemingly never ending rocky road, I chose to leave my job. 2 weeks later, my mind free of the failures at work and some much needed time alone with my thoughts, I was able to sit down face to face with my then husband and fully, consciously agree that our needs as individuals did not match the needs of a healthy marriage. 

Simply put, I wanted travel and adventure and he wanted the comforts of home and family - a critical piece of information we knew prior to marriage but pushed aside in denial. Looking back, I recall those whispers. 

So when I review this most recent phase of my life, I am in complete understanding of why it was so rocky, so full of turmoil and pain. I refused to allow my inner voice to lead the way mostly because I feared its’ truth and all that it would reveal to me (or take away). Oddly enough, it’s easier to hang on to the familiar even if it doesn’t fit rather than listening to your gut and shift direction toward something greater.  

Today, I value my inner voice for I see through personal experiences that it never leads me astray. It has my best interest in mind. It only wants happiness in my life. And it’s with me all the time, just quieter some days and more rampant on others. 

It just needs attention and trust to thrive.