The Search

It's time to purge. A healthy cleanse of all that's stifling me in this moment. That constant chatter in my head, those gremlins that have set up shop, the monster that has clutched onto my heart, the zombie that's feasting on my soul, the 1-ton man sitting on my chest. Get out. Get out. Get out. 

I'd prefer not to have another day in which I can not find my own strength to stand tall. I'd prefer not to spend another precious minute dwelling over less than perfect circumstances. I'd prefer not to acknowledge and give power to the uninvited negativity in my mind. I'd prefer not to break at the slightest push back or abrasive interaction. I'd prefer not to feel empty and alone any longer. 

What I'm seeking is love, peace, excitement, happiness, contentment, grace and strength on the daily. Why has it been so hard to find? Wildly impossible to keep? Where's my power - that natural and consistent positivity and light heartedness?

Cancer changed me. It tore down a woman who felt on top of the world. It stripped the protective coating, exposing rawness and inducing vulnerability to the max. 

I'm now some new version of myself; one I'm not too keen on, yet. The woman I am cries at least once a day because life feels difficult (not like the "old Sara" who shed tears over beauty, love and gratitude). The woman I am feels out of control (not like the "old Sara" who felt powerful as the driver of her life creating, doing and being everything and anything she imagined and desired). The woman that I am needs more than ever before (not like the "old Sara" who was full of self-love and the ability to self-soothe). 

I'm so impatient with this version. I can't stand her most of the time. I've been trying to replace her. I've asked her nicely to go away. I want the woman that felt whole and sane and loved and powerful and awesome. I want the woman that cried because life was so beautiful. I want the woman that felt amazing in her own skin and at peace in her heart. I want the woman that stares down adversity and pushes right back. I want the woman that feels love in her soul even in times of pain and disappointment. I know this Sara. I've got to find her soon.