Embrace Loneliness

In my tiny bungalow I have 14 pieces of Storypeople artwork. Hanging on every wall is a splash of color and words that move me to tears with each review. I've been collecting these prints by Brian Andreas since 1997, the year my sweet Grandma Alice passed away. She had been the roots of our family tree, grounding us with her unconditional love and selfless ways. The first piece of my collection portrayed my grandma's story so well that it instantly became a treasured gift. Since then, I have grown my collection by 13 - discovering the most perfect message at the most appropriate time. It's as though the artist has been writing and creating in complete sync with my life, giving me beams of light in moments that are overshadowed. 

At 29, I was alone for the first time in my adult life - no companion, no parents, no family, no rooted connections in my new home of Santa Monica. As I struggled to grasp this unfamiliar territory I did an incredible job of filling my life with distractions, both highly elevating and completely empty. I forced random connections, lost sight of quality over quantity, got crazy in love, grabbed onto things no matter how mismatched, stayed busy from start to finish of every day. I did everything I could to simply NOT BE with myself because being there meant I'd have to feel - feel my pain, fears, confusion, guilt, loneliness...

I wasn't prepared to muddle through all of that, nor was I ready to fully embrace the newness of my life. So I spent most of 2011 fighting against what was, yearning for what wasn't, and feeling stuck in something that wasn't my own. Do you know how much energy and effort it takes to fight the natural flow of life? It was exhausting and not at all fulfilling. Eventually feeling the drain, I decided to succumb to my new reality, little by little. 

"...it is enough to be taken care of by my self." 

In August, I slowly began to back away from distractions and embrace my loneliness. I took more time to simply be with myself. I dusted off books I once loved reading. I found value in special relationships where I could fully express my authentic self vs surface level acquaintances. I attended workshops that encouraged attention to be turned inward. I tapped back into what I knew to be at the core of me and I began to celebrate. I shifted my thinking from distraught, sad, and stuck to clear, excited, and grateful. Every conversation I had with myself and every minute I spent looking inside, the more authentic I became to the outside world, which in turn, opened up the space for everything and everyone that is so wonderful in my life today. I'm thankful for this time I get to spend with Me!